Commusings: The Importance of Stressful Conversations

Dear Commune Community,

What is your most cherished relationship?
What was your most painful loss? 
What is your greatest dream? 

These were the three questions that I asked Dean, a Donald Trump supporter, and Tara, a Kamala Harris backer, on stage in front of 250 people.

Let me set some context. Last weekend, I spoke at Eudemonia – a new health and longevity conference in West Palm Beach, Florida. Full disclosure, I am a part owner. The title of my presentation was “The Art of Stressful Conversations.” Quite bizarrely, as supplement and wearable companies loaded out at the conclusion of the summit, the Trump election night infrastructure was loading in to the very same convention hall.

Given that I had never delivered this talk, it was already a “stressful conversation” for me. Butterflies fluttered about my gastrointestinal track as I surveyed the packed conference room. 

Undaunted, I launched into my experience conducting 26, hour-long Zoom calls with people who disagreed with me. I described my recent summit in Topanga in which I moderated five days of talks between six Palestinians and six Israeli Jews. I described how exposure to low doses of criticism had built my “psychological” immune system and enhanced my ability to conduct “stressful” conversations from a place of emotional stability.

I outlined some of the key tenets of Non-Violent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg’s communication system that focuses on empathy, active listening, and honest self-expression.

And, then, after building trust in the room and creating a safe and secure set and setting, I stepped onto the third rail. I asked the audience to raise their hand if they supported Harris in the upcoming election. Warily, a group of people obliged. Then I made the same request of Trump’s supporters. More hands went up.

From there, I solicited one volunteer from each camp to join me on stage for a “stressful” conversation. Two brave souls met the challenge. Tara, a Persian woman who supported Harris, came to the front. Dean, a white man who supported Trump, came and stood beside her.

I had them face each other. I asked them to listen to understand, not to respond. How often are we concocting a rebuttal to someone while he or she is still talking? Active listening asks for someone’s full attention without any need to react. 

And then I asked Tara and Dean the questions that I listed at the beginning of this article: 

What is your most cherished relationship?
What was your most painful loss?
What is your greatest dream? 

Tara loves her mother, who she sadly lost last year to cancer. Her dream was to be onstage someday at Eudemonia (a wish that was magically coming true in real time). 

Dean has three sons, his dad had recently passed and he dreamt of a day when daughters-in-law and grandkids filled his home.

Then, I had them tell each other’s narratives to each other – out loud. Staring into one another’s eyes, they told each other’s stories of loss and love and hope. 

As their eyes welled slightly, both Dean and Tara felt seen and heard. 

I then asked Tara and Dean to both provide four or five reasons as to why they were supporting their respective candidates. Again, this exercise required listening. 

Tara felt passionate about having a female leader. Dean valued his First Amendment freedoms. 

The final step was a technique called “steelmanning.” The term originates from its opposite, more popular technique, “strawmanning.”  Strawmanning involves misrepresenting or oversimplifying someone else's argument to make it easier to refute. This is done by creating a “straw man” version of the argument, which is weaker or more extreme than the original, and then attacking this feeble version rather than engaging with the actual argument presented. It’s quite easy to knock down a man of straw.

Steelmanning, on the other hand, is the opposite approach. It involves echoing the best aspects of your opponent's argument.

Still staring at Tara, Dean reiterated her argument about the importance of female leadership (and actually agreed with it). Tara, in turn, echoed Dean’s regard for free speech. 

At the end, these two brave souls gave each other a hug to the applause of the audience. 

In the end, neither Dean nor Tara changed their minds – but they saw the humanity in each other. They both felt seen and not judged. The vitriol and ad hominem attacks that so profoundly characterize our political discourse had evaporated. 

For a brief moment, neither person was a symbol of their political affiliation. They were just two people with important relationships, profound losses, and lofty dreams. 

This is part of the challenge ahead for every citizen. We must seek connection before solution. We must see each other and be seen.

Of course, I understand that some of you are jubilant in this moment and others are completely gutted and bewildered. The devastated among us need to heal. 

However, eventually, if we are to succeed as a country, we’ll need to find an ability to collaborate. The success of our nation – and species – lies in our unique ability to cooperate at scale. 

Jumping into the ice bath of difficult conversations is not easy, but the world our hearts know if possible lies on the other side of these very conversations. 

Of course, these conversations are not confined to the political. If Dean and Tara can stand on a stage and engage, then perhaps you can summon the courage to have that thorny discussion with your spouse or daughter or mother. 

Lean in. 

Here at [email protected] and holding the middle on IG @jeffkrasno.

In love, include me,
Jeff

P.S. Whatever your mental state right now, remember that we’ve made these 10 meditations for Cultivating Inner Peace free for everyone.

P.P.S. In my new book “Good Stress,” I go deeper into my experience with stressful conversations and I outline specific techniques for having them. Pre-order my book now and receive sneak peek early access to the Introduction, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2 of the book — text and audio. And … receive $900 in Commune course bonuses featuring Schuyler Grant, Dr. Mark Hyman, and Dr. Casey Means, among others.